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Astrograph


December 08, 2015

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    SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21) — No one can pronounce your sign’s name, Sagittarius. For that reason, you may find yourself stuttering when people ask what you thought of Adele’s latest album. This month is going to be climactic for you, so stop skipping class or being late to work. 
 
    CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) ­— Maybe you’ll actually get the answers to life questions this month, or maybe the universe is still just like, “Lol, idk.” You need to think a lot — like write down your dreams and stuff. It won’t help, but it will distract you from     worrying so much. 
 
    AQUARIUS (Jan. 20–Feb. 19) — This is a good month to listen to “Aquarius” from the hit musical, Hair. You’re going to do some amazing and life-changing things this month, like pay bills on time and actually fold your laundry. To add balance, you should definitely text your ex. 
 
    PISCES (Feb. 20–March 20) — Lol, this month is going to suck. The stars are not in your favor, kiddo. Things are about to get shaken up. I know, you’re worried. Just take some deep breaths and stay up for a few nights in a row. Everything is fine. 
 
    ARIES (March 21–April 19) — Looks like you’re up for another untamed month. It’s a good time to listen to Miley Cyrus. You should wear a beret because you’re filled with some seriously quirky energy. Go out and party. It’s a good idea; the stars say so. 
 
    TAURUS (April 20–May 20) — You are literally on the verge of knowing the meaning of life. Mars is doing the thing that makes you smart and stuff. Show this off by carrying around an old textbook. If you go outside after 6 p.m., you will absorb Mars’ power and rule the known world. 
 
    GEMINI (May 21–June 20) — Seems like a great month for a mid-life crisis! Go ahead and change your major, sell your car or file for that divorce. Change is always good, Gemini. Trust the stars!
 
    CANCER (June 21–July 22) — Despite the fact that your sign shares a name with a deadly disease that kills thousands, it’s going to be another great month. I mean, yeah, there are people dying globally, the world is in shambles and Donald Trump is No. 1 in the Republican polls, but your life is hunky dory! Must be nice!
 
    LEO (July 23–Aug. 22) — According to the stars, you’ve worked really hard this year and you’re really enjoying the benefits of that. Lucky you. You’re probs getting that promotion you’ve been waiting for. You should literally go ahead and plan on it. Go ahead and buy your boss a thank-you card. Hell, move into your new office without asking!
 
    VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) — It’s a good time to start that Pinterest project, because someone is feeling artsy! You’re totally reverting back to your scene kid days. Go ahead and dye your hair blue and start wearing all black. Pick up smoking and look like you walked straight out of RENT. 
 
    LIBRA (Sept. 23–Oct. 23) — The stars say that something significant is going to happen this month — so you're probably actually pregnant. Sucks, right? I mean, you’re barely holding it together as it is. Sheesh. You’re like an onion, Libra: smelly and an acquired taste.  
 
    SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22) — Things are about to get weird. The stars say that your relationships have probably been a little off lately. Things are about to go south fast. Block all of your loved ones on Facebook, delete your Twitter and only post black and white pictures of potatoes on your Instagram. Don’t answer the phone until February

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