September 01, 2010 By Ben Hallman

casey@connectstatesboro.com

    I get asked a lot how I know so much about beer.  To which I usually answer, “Who are you?  What are you doing in my house?  And where are your pants?”
    I learned about beer the same way most everyone else learns about their hobbies:  I read up on the subject.  I asked questions to knowledgeable folks. And I did research.  Lots of research. Lots and lots of research. (Yes, I mean drinking.)
    I’ll admit, I was lucky in my nascent beer geek days.  I worked at a store with a massive beer selection, so I was constantly rubbing shoulders with distributors and vendors and brewery reps, soaking in vast amounts of beer knowledge on a daily basis.  Of course, I was also forgetting vast amounts of beer knowledge on a daily basis, but some of it stuck. Kind of like that ball of your wife’s hair in the shower drain: bits and pieces of flotsam and jetsam kept gumming up my brain until I realized I knew more than the average schmuck about beer.
    Most importantly, I hooked up with a wingman. Or, if you ask him, I became a good wingman. Either way, I found someone with whom drinking good beer wasn’t just a social exercise; it became a study of taste and culture and the art of brewing. In other words, I found a fellow nerd.
    This nerd, whom I’ll call Ryan because that’s his friggin’ name, introduced me to the concept of the “Beer Tasting.” And my life has never been the same.
    Suddenly, sitting around and drinking beer was no longer just something to do.  It gained purpose. It gained respectability. And, well, it sounded a helluva lot cooler.
    Example:  “Ryan and I are sitting around drinking beer and poking turtles with sticks.” Or, “Ryan and I are having a Beer Tasting while we investigate the effects of prodding shelled reptiles with the dried castoffs of a mighty Oak.”
    See?  Beer Tasting sounds much smarter.
    But there are rules to a good tasting.  Not diehard, go-directly-to-jail-do-not-pass-Go rules, but helpful suggestions that turn your beer drinking into a Beer Tasting.  
    First of all, you have to be snobby. Nobody will believe you’re having a beer tasting if you and your buddies are sitting around drinking Busch Light. Beer tastings require good beer.  
    Second, you have to talk about the beer. You don’t crack open a bottle, and then go back to watching Eastbound and Down. You and your beer-drinking comrades should discuss what you’re drinking.  How’s it smell? Look? What’s it taste like? Is it hoppy?  Is it too boozy? Does anyone else have a glass with corn floating in it? (Gotta get that dishwasher fixed.)
    Talking about the beer is at the heart of beer nerdhood. Again, I was lucky in joining Ryan’s beer circle, because his beer geekiness was well ahead of my own, and his sage-like advice guided me through my formative months. (Ryan is kind of like a less-handsome version of Yoda.) All good nerding-out requires you to discuss, at ridiculous lengths, topics most others don’t take seriously. That’s why it’s so nerdy. That’s where the fun lies.
    Third, you want to front-load your tastings. By front-load, I mean put the new, exciting stuff at the top of the set list. You don’t want to bring out your uber-rare bottle of aged Avery Czar at the end of the night. The later into a beer tasting you get, the more likely you are to love every beer you try, as well as everyone with whom you’re trying them. Drunkenness does not benefit the palate.
    Next, for God’s sake, take it slow. Drink plenty of water between beers, both to cleanse the palate and to temper your beer intake. A tasting isn’t meant to end up as a five-hour boozefest complete with random punchings and puking off the balcony of your apartment. A hobby is a hobby only as long as you can control it; after which, it becomes a nuisance, both to you and to others.
    Lastly, have a DD.  No, not a busty chick, you perv.  Have a designated driver.  Cops don’t give you a break because you’ve been drinking a limited-release thirty dollar stout from Norway.
    Want to be a beer nerd like me? What’s that? You don’t? Well, dammit, at least pretend that you do, so I can finish this column.
    Want to be a beer nerd like me? Read up. Speak up. And drink up.

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