WARNING:  The column you are about to read might be the most important thing ever written.  Or it might not.

    While I could probably rattle off a hundred or so reasons as to why Dale’s Pale Ale is great beer, I’ll try to limit myself to ten.  Granted, my words-per-minute don’t quite equal my beers-per-hour, so any discrepancy between my stated goals for this piece and what actually is delivered should be firmly blamed on Obama, and not on the growing shortage of Dale’s in my refrigerator.  

10. (Or one, since I'm listing these reasons as they pop up in my head, not in any order.) It helps ignite my hatred towards InbevAnheuserBuschMillerCoorsMolson etc. All of these breweries spend hundreds of millions of dollars advertising and distributing aluminum vessels of liquid alcohol delivery under the guise of "Beer." These vessels, or "cans," as I believe the younger generation calls them, contain widely consumed beer-based products with such exciting names as "Bud" and "MGD" and "Milwaukee's Best Ice" (this last one is misleading, since there are three different beers all claiming to be Milwaukee's Best. Somebody's lying.)
    Anyway, these "cans" have become scoffed at by beer snobs and beer snob wannabes, resulting in the vilification of a valid, logical form of beer containment. Canned beer is OK. You can try it. Not all cans contain what appears to be the recycled micturition of a healthy gnu.

9. Jesus, ten was long, wasn't it?

8. The appearance.  Dale’s Pale Ale sure is pretty. Yep. Pretty. Bubbly head, gorgeous red-accented amber color, thick, hearty viscocity as the beer hits the glass. It further deepens the mystery of why Pale Ales are labeled "pale." And yes, this mystery only exists for bums like myself  who are too lazy and/or intoxicated to actually research the term.

9. Oops.

7. I can’t finish this review with a model beer in front of me. They keep disappearing, dammit. At this point I would make a funny quip based on a hole being in my pint glass, followed by a comparison between the beer and some inane but slightly witty aspect of everyday American life. But, being a realist, I realize a realization, reality being that I like this beer a lot and as long as I try to discuss it I'm going to keep getting real drunk.

6. The price.  A twelve-pack of Dale's runs around twenty bucks, after tax. The beer is expensive, which means it's good.

5. Dale's Pale Ale translates well when introduced to an indigenous redneck population. The patriotic colors and shiny metallic accents of the can enthrall these shy, tobacco-stained people, entrancing them to the point they ignore the beer's flavor and high ABV in favor of its ability to make for a mess-free pellet-gun target. Plus, mentioning the name "Dale" around them causes a sense of reverence to spread amongst any large redneck groupings, followed by multiple males holding three extended fingers towards the sky.

4. Oskar Blues also makes Ten-Fidy, a delicious Imperial Stout.  Hey, dudes, you guys are fine by me.

C.  Hmmmm.  Might need to not open another can if I’m to finish this list.

3. Dale's Pale Ale smells like liquid hop extract sitting on top of a bowl of malted barley soup. Which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but screw it, we're already treading water with this list.

2. The taste of Dale's. Now, let me warn you, this beer is hoppy. The bitter, lasting finish of this beer pushes my IBU limit in a pale ale, but the bracing, ass-clenching conclusion of the beer only accentuates the need to taste the brew's beautiful malty front. The initial flavor is a rush of smooth, toffee-sweet malts backed by a citrus-n-pine hoppy spine, a beautiful swirl of clean pale ale goodness with a deservingly firm finish.

1. It rhymes. Dale's Pale Ale. Hee-hee.